Friday, April 11, 2014

'As Long As You Stop' - An open letter to the man who raped me

Written by: Fenna Vlekke

It’s not that I think of you that often. Mostly, when I need to deal with my past, I think of the things done to me, not the person responsible for doing them. People will often get mad at you when I tell them what you did to me, and I have trouble dealing with that. I just can’t reconcile you as a person with the fact that you hurt me so much. I don’t know how I’m supposed to understand that someone can be funny and interesting on the one hand, but so evil on the other hand. Seeing you as ‘just evil’ is much easier.


But I'll give it a try. I'm going to write to you as a person; someone with good and bad traits. You’ll probably never read this, but if you do, I hope you’re open to listening to what I have to say. I don’t know if you’re fully aware of the damage you’ve done to me. I do know that at the time, you were aware of the fact that I often didn’t want the things you did to me. I also know you often didn’t care if I wanted something, because you didn’t even try to get any form of consent. You just took. But maybe you’re unaware how forcing or coercing someone to have sex with you, or into sexual acts that are unwanted, can really scar them severely. For you it may be something that’s fun for, say, 30 minutes. For that person it’s years of therapy to try and heal from it. And there were a lot of those 30 minutes between you and me.

Having sex with someone when you know they don’t want to, or even when you don’t care if they want to, is rape. Yes, you’re a rapist. I’m not sure if you’re honest enough with yourself to admit it, I know it’s an ugly word. But using force to subdue someone, like you did with me, is just very wrong. Even if that person gives up fighting you after a while. This is NOT consent by a long shot. I’m not foolish; I know chances are you won’t accept the fact that you are a rapist. And that’s fine. As long as you understand that forcing sex on someone is such a painful event for that person. As long as you understand that your actions can damage someone severely. As long as you stop.

I used to hope I wasn’t your only victim, because I thought that if I was, it would mean something was wrong with me. But I don’t think like that anymore. I know what you did to me was real, and I know it was rape. Right now, I hope I was and will be the only one you hurt so badly. I really do. But if you’re still making victims, please stop. I know you’re a couple of years older now, and I hope you’re a bit more open to changing your ways than you were when you were younger. It won’t change anything for me anymore, but it will save some other girls from a lot of pain.

That’s it. I’ll go back to pretending you’re a monster now. I just wanted to see what would happen, if I opened myself up to the possibility that you’re not. 

Fenna

Written by: Fenna Vlekke

12 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your story and for letting others, such as myself, know that we are not alone. You are very brave <3

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    1. Thanks for your support, it means a lot!

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  2. Fenna, I hope anyone that is reading knows how brave you are, not only have you shown incredible courage in posting this but you did so in a way that didn't lower yourself to his level it instead showed just how big a person you are. You are not alone!

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    1. Thanks for telling me I'm not alone! I didn't even realise my letter could come off as compassionate or nice, until other people told me :).

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  3. Well done Fenna. You are very brave to have written this, it takes a lot of courage to write such a letter. Be proud of yourself :)
    I hope that this brings you peace and helps other survivors know that they are not alone.

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    1. Thanks Anonymous :), I also hope this helps other survivors.

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  4. Thanks for sharing and creating this blog! This is incredibly powerful.

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    1. Thanks Lauren, that means a lot! Really cool that you've started a blog as well. Together we can give survivors a voice by shedding light on things that are usually hidden.

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  5. Lieve Fenna, ik ben zo trots op je, liefs Karin

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  6. Kijkerstip: de colleges van Professor Van Dijk.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnTsLwQ2ZKQ

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    1. Bedankt voor het delen van dit filmpje, ik vond het erg interessant :).

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